ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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