I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
How does one acquire holy water?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
