Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
