I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
