I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
