So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
