Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
