his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
