I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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