I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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