im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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