Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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