Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Less talking, more tequila
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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