We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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