The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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