My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
