I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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