So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
