Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
