do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
