Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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