we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
