I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I could make wine with my vomit
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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