Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
