your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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