The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
