I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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