these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
