its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
smell my finger.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
