Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
