I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
