It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
