Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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