i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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