Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
