I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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