if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
