my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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