Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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