I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
