Your face is a jimmy john
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
