I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Found your dick twin last night
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
