Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
