On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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