I'm going to jail i love you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Randomize
