put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
