Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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