i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
