Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
