two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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