Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
