I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
