If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
