Betty ford says i'm here all night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
So apparently I’m into choking now
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
