We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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