I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
