Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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