I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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